How can I realize my self-worth?

I fear loss. My father passed away when I was four years old and to me it felt like he had abandoned me. My mother was so sad and my eldest sister was pregnant at the time. My eldest sister gave birth two months after my father died and all my mother's attention and focus went on my nephew (he had some health issues). So I have always felt easily replaceable.

I was very close with my other sister, Mair. She passed away in December 2012 and I cannot believe it. She was my best friend/soulmate and the only person in the world who understood my family dynamics.

I have now met someone wonderful, but I feel I don't deserve his love, because everyone leaves me in the end. I feel like it would be better for him if we finished, he could be with someone less complicated and more of a catch.

Please help me realize my self-worth and remind me that my father and sister did not choose to leave me.

This question was submitted by 'Louisa'

Mark says...

Hello Louisa and thank you for sharing your story.

You've been through a lot and it must have been really hard for you. You know consciously and cognitively that your father and sister didn't choose to leave you, but that's not the way it feels. It's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling that what happens to us is due to simple dynamics predicated on such concepts as just desserts and what one does or doesn't deserve. You didn't deserve to lose your father, nor did your mother. Life is so often about timing.

At that time, after your father passed away, it was your nephew's time to have the attention and focus. Times change and now it is your time with this person you have met.

You don't deserve to be loved or deserve not to be loved, because you just are loved. What is loved about people can't always be put into words. There are some qualities about you that you can't begin to know. These qualities will be seen or sensed by your love, but may be forever invisible to you.

If you could imagine what your father and sister would say to you if they could, right now, about the feelings of abandonment you've had, what would they say? And if you haven't already read it, you might find the 'Fear of Abandonment' article useful.

Everything is temporary in relative terms, but temporary doesn't have to mean fragile. You can still draw strength from your father and your sister and your relationship can certainly be long-lasting, strong, and loving.

All my best,

Mark