Please help me get over feeling so inferior

Hi Mark,

I believe I suffer from an inferiority complex. I went to a school that fosters being high achievers and being part of the cream of society. Though I have a university degree, it's not from a prestigious university and I studied something I was not good at. After completing my degree with the greatest difficulty, I burned out and was not motivated to find work in the area of my degree. Also, due to family issues I used that as an excuse to not seek work according to my degree.

My ex-friends from school are all doing well, occupation- and education-wise. Also, some are married or have been married for a while. My dad has resorted to looking for a partner for me and though I don't want to get married in this manner, I feel I have no choice as I live like a hermit. One of my brothers laughs at the fact that my dad is looking for proposals for me, which makes me feel embarrassed.

My brothers are high achievers and are among the cool and popular who are also part of the affluent of the society here. I'm 28, 4'11" in height, not modern or traditionally pretty. Plus, I have never felt like a woman as I'm very small made and look like a 15-year-old. Everyone thinks I still go to school.

Recently, my uncle's wife laughed in my face. She said I'm the oldest of all the cousins from my mum's side, but the shortest - especially since her two daughters are only 12 and 15 but are taller than average.

To make things worse, people treat me based on the way I look. Sadly, I'm far more mature than most adults.

Please advise.

This question was submitted by 'Marito'

Mark says...

Hi Marito and thanks for getting in touch.

Reading your message, I kept being reminded of Cinderella or the 'ugly' duckling, who both so beautifully present the common pattern of someone feeling and being treated as inferior based on the fact that those around them had really narrow ideas as to what constituted right and good. Where, in fact, the destiny of the ugly duckling - who was, of course, really a young swan fallen in with ducks - was to be true to what it really was. Cinderella was destined for royalty, so of course she didn't fit in with where she was at in life.

You were shoehorned into studying on a course that didn't fit with who you are. If everything, including a marriage partner, is forced upon you, then it would be strange not to feel inferior. Feeling like you don't match up to what other people have decided you should be is an artificial situation. Who are you and who do you want to be?

You don't say whether you are financially independent, but it sounds like you need to be. You need to find the people and the life that fit who you are. Think about the things you like and are interested in and also the kinds of people you like, because at least some of them will like you for who you are, not what you are supposed to be.

If you need help building your self-confidence in order to be your own person, then you might find the 'Wise Advisor' download good for you and also 'Know Yourself'.

You have a great deal to give to the world and can be fulfilled and happier. Go for it.

All my best,

Mark