How can I feel more confident?

My name is Tong. I feel everything I do is not satisfactory and I don't feel confident frequently. Moreover, I feel tension, which causes my poor sleep. I am not sure how to resolve this. Could you please advise some better ways to release me from this situation?

This question was submitted by 'Tong'

Mark says...

Hello Tong,

Feeling not good enough is very common, but knowing it's common isn't always. I would have liked to have a little more detail from your question, but I appreciate you writing in.

You mention that you feel everything you do is unsatisfactory. This is called 'globalizing', which means that one or a few negative parts of life, the self, a performance, or a situation is taken and used to cover all parts of life. So if I fail one test, for example, rather than keeping it specific and telling myself I failed that test - maybe I'm not so great at physics (or whatever), I 'spread' the badness to everything and tell myself, "I am stupid." Not "I am stupid at physics!" But I am stupid! This implies that I am stupid in all ways. When we take specifics and apply them as generalities, we 'globalize'.

Other examples:

Someone's relationship ends and they feel their whole life is ruined.
Someone has an argument at the end of a holiday with their partner and 'globalizes' by telling themselves the whole holiday was ruined.
Someone makes one mistake in an otherwise perfectly good public presentation and tells themselves that they ruined the whole talk.

Believe it or not, starting to spot when you are globalizing and stopping yourself doing it will help you a great deal.

Now onto this business of tension. The negative thinking both produces but is also produced by tension. So relaxing every day for just ten minutes will begin to create the right 'environment' in your mind for thoughts to be less self-destructive, fairer, and more moderate. I suggest you listen to the '10 Minute Power Nap' twice a day and also read, re-read, and really think about this article: 'How to Stop Negative Thinking in 7 Simple Steps'.

As you relax more each day, spot and challenge some of your own thinking (negative globalizing), and put all the steps in that article into practice, you are going to notice great changes. Becoming more confident may be the first step towards really contributing to the world as well as finding more personal fulfilment.

All best wishes,

Mark